The Mary Sue Checker
by qwerty01010101
Summary: Despite it's name, this story doesn't parody Mary Sue herself. Rather, it parodies the people who label OCs so.


A/N: Basically, I've been a bit annoyed by all this branding any OC as a Mary Sue. It's like political correctness, but in Fanfiction terms. So, this story pretty much takes the mick out of what it is that an OC can't be.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Harry Potter franchise. If I did, this'd be published.

"Hello there," Said the strange disembodied voice. "I'm the Mary Sue checker, it's kind of like a spell checker, but with out that annoying paperclip. Anyway, so you're going to be in a fanfic?"

The person in front of her nodded.

"Right, we'll start with the baisics, what sex are you?"

The figure looked uncomfortable. "Female…"

MS Checker took a deep sip of its coffee. "Ah, well, as you're female, we must start the Mary Sue checking. What is you full name?"

"Oh, er, Amelia Megan Smith."

"Smith is OK, it's common enough. The Megan is OK as long as you never tell it to anyone, ever. But Amelia might be a bit overstepping it."

"What's wrong with Amelia? It's quite a common name. "

"Yes, well, it's more than four letters long, and it has an 'ia' at the end, which gives it that exotic quantity. I know, how about Amy. Nice and bland."

"Ummm, fine, OK. My friends call me 'Ame', so it'll be similar."

"Oh, dear, you CAN'T have a nickname. It'd make your name qualify for the Mary Sue quality again. But, moving on, how old are you?"

"Oh, I'm fifteen."

"Sorry, you can't be twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen or seventeen."

"What about eighteen? A lot of people in other stories somehow skip a year and leave school aged eighteen."

"Yes well this isn't other stories. Anyway, you must be eleven, as that's the age you start Hogwarts."

"But I started school four years ago…"

"Oh well, too bad. You're now eleven."

"Fine then. That can't be too bad if I already know all that stuff."

"But you CAN'T know all that stuff! You aren't allowed to excel in any school subjects at all. It's far too Mary Sue. Ah, yes, talking about school, what grades do you get at the moment?"

"Oh, As usually,"

"Are you in Ravenclaw?"

"No, Griffindor."

"Ah, well, you can't be smart then. Your grades will now be Bs and Cs."

Amelia, no, 'Amy' nodded again.

"Right, well, do you have any hobbies?"

Amy was hesitant to answer, but she knew she had to.

"Oh, I like to draw and I take gymnastics."

"Well, drawing's way out. It's too perfect-y. And so's gymnastics "

"But gymnastics is demanding, not perfect!" Tried Amy weakly. "Training for two hours three times a week isn't –fun-"

"Well I'm sorry, dear, but it's the rules. Next up, do you play an instrument of any kind?"

"Not any more, I don't think…"

"Just answer the question, Miss Smith."

"Yes, I play the recorder."

"Ah, well, all musical instruments are out, especially if you play them well."

"But what's wrong with them?"

"I don't know, they're just too Mary Sue. And you should stop with this… this… personality that's coming through. Only Mary Sues get sassy."

Amy was going to complain, but the MS checker carried on to the next question.

"Do you have an animal?"

"Yes, I have an owl."

"Describe your owl, please.

"She's brown and speckled."

"Well, she sounds a bit too pretty. She shall now be a bland, black cat who sits on your bed and is barely mentioned in the story. She will be nameless."

"But I…"

"So, where do you live?"

"Wales."

"Can you speak Welsh?"

"Yes."

"Well, first off, you have to live in England. Only Mary Sues live in other countries. And you can't speak any other languages apart from English, It makes you too smart."

Amy controlled her mouth as it tried to mutter Welsh swearwords at the MS checker. She had to forget how to speak Welsh and how to be… sassy.

"Right then, all that's left it the physical check. Eye colour?"

"Blue."

"Hair colour?"

"Blonde."

"Well, you can't have blue eyes and blonde hair. We'll start with the eyes. Umm, green could be too 'piercing', brown could be too 'deep'. So grey it is. On to hair. Black is definitely out. It could look too shiny and raven-y."

"What about ginger?"

"Oh, no, it'd make you stand out too much. Brunette, that's perfect. Oh, yes, what length is your hair?"

"Umm, just past my shoulders."

"Well now you have a nice little bob. Now, the rest of your body. Unfortunately, we can't do changes that affect your health, so you'll have to stay at that normal weight."

Amy was thrilled with this.

"However, you need to never wear a swimsuit that doesn't cover your thighs and stomach. It should be a bit baggy too. And no skirts unless they're full length tartan ones."

Amy was less thrilled about this.

"What else? Oh, your bra size?"

"Pardon?"

"Your bra size, Miss Smith?"

"It's 34C."

"Well, as you are now eleven, that's got to go anyway. But, if this story spans over your entire school life, the biggest you can get will be 34B. Well, let's just run through everything.

"Name?"

"Amy Smith"

"Age?"

"Eleven"

"Place of residence?"

"England."

"Hobbies or interests?"

"None"

"Animal?"

"A cat."

"Grades?"

"Bs and Cs."

"Oh, actually, we better make that just Cs. Grades?"

"Cs."

"Eye colour?"

"Grey"

"Hair colour?"

"Brown."

"Hair style?"

"A bob."

"Bra size?"

"I'm eleven, I don't wear one."

"Ah, the perfect OC, not a Mary Sue-ish thing about you."

The Mary Sue checker signed a bit of paper confirming that Amy had passed and was free to be in a fanfiction.

The End

Hehe, all done. I hope ya like it and that you all see how stupid this Mary Sue hunting thing is. I hope you lot decide to review and stuff.

GG


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